Because You've Read Howl Forty Times
by Arianna555
Summary: Jess...Dean. Yes...no. Why? What happens, what they're thinking, what they want. Literati.
1. Hold on, face what you're afraid of

_You're the Only One I Know Who's Read Howl Forty Times_

Rory's POV

Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Gilmore Girls. The song used in this fic is "Hold On" by B*Witched; I heard it on a soundtrack, I forget which, and I thought it would work perfectly for this.

A/N: I hope you all like this. It's probably just a one-chapter thing, unless I get lots of reviews asking me to continue, because I can't think of anything else for it right now. But if anyone has any ideas, for this or another fic, I'd be happy to hear them! This is set after Rory kissed Jess at Sookie's wedding, but Shane doesn't exist and there was no Washington D.C. trip for Rory. Other than that it's mostly AU, though Teach Me Tonight and all the other stuff with Jess that happened earlier did happen. (Did that make any sense? Sorry if it didn't.) The song is supposed to be in bold italics, but when I update it, some of the italics and bold works and some doesn't, I don't know why. I think you can tell what's the song and what's the story; sorry if it's confusing! Please review, and thanks for reading this!   ~Arianna

I don't know what I'm doing. I see Dean every day, he kisses me, I kiss him back. But I kissed Jess, and he doesn't know that. And I just don't know…

You've always been a tough girl 

_But you feel you're about to break_

_You're feeling stuck_

_And out of luck_

_Watching your dreams all slip away._

It was great, kissing Jess. When I saw him, I couldn't help it. I really, really missed him. I mean, when he left, after New York—I thought I was never going to see him again. Everyone hated him because of what happened, and no one understands that it _wasn't _his fault, except Luke. Not even Lorelai. I wish people could realize that if something bad happens when I'm with Jess, there's an equal possibility that it's my fault.

Been working mornings in the kitchen 

_Working nights at the corner store_

_As your life flies by_

_You wonder why_

_And you know that there's got to be something more._

I see Jess too, and I know he sees me, and it leaves me wondering why he came back and why he was at Sookie's wedding. What am I gonna do if Luke doesn't let him stay? I've got Dean, right? But do I really? Do I still love him the way I used to…and why is Luke's nephew who likes to read and thinks he's too cool for school making me ask myself that question?

Hold on 

_But don't hold too tight_

_Let go_

_It's gonna be all right_

_Don't run away from what your heart_

_Is saying._

I have to talk to him sometime. But what am I going to say? Did that mean anything to him? He kissed me back…but what else was he going to do? I know he doesn't hate me. At least, he didn't before. And I'm starting to see that I _like_ Jess. So…what can I say to Dean? I don't want to hurt him, don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt him by being with him when maybe I shouldn't be, when maybe I'm treating him really badly. I know Dean loves me. I just really don't want to do the wrong thing!

**Be strong**

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**_Face what you're afraid of_**

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**_Come on_**

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**_Show them what you're made of._**

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**_I know it's hard when your hope is gone_**

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**_But you've got to keep holding on._**

It can't be right to be with Dean when I feel this way about Jess. It's not that I don't like Dean, of course I do. I even love him…just not the way I did. If he broke up with me now, I know I'd be upset, but I wouldn't cry the way I did that first time. Then I really, really did love him, even if, for a while, I couldn't say it. I wonder how Jess feels. Maybe I should just talk to him. I have to know, we have to talk.

**You hear a voice that's calling**

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**_And it's telling you to make a change_**

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**_It's time to fly_**

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**_And say goodbye_**

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**_And move on to a better place._**

Tomorrow. I'm going to Luke's, going to sit at the counter, and going to talk to Jess. I need to know…what he thought. What he thinks. Maybe…why he moved back. When I cut school that day, to see him in New York—except, of course, for missing my mom's graduation, that was a really great day. And when I got back, my mom asked me if I was falling for Jess. Maybe I was. I said no. But I think I am now. And I guess I have to do something about it.

**You know you've got to take the first step **

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**_To get to where you wanna be_**

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**_Just get on track_**

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**_And don't look back._**

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**_'Cause it's the only way that you're gonna be free._**

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[next day]

I did it. I went in, and ordered coffee. My mom was still at home. Then Jess came downstairs, and I had to stop myself from leaving.

"Jess?" I said. "Can we talk?"

"Okay," he replied. I followed him into the storage room. We stood there and looked at each other. It was hard. I couldn't say anything.

"Rory?" he finally said.

"Why did you come back?"

"You already _asked_ me that." He started to leave. "I told you, I just wanted to."

I grabbed his arm, suddenly, and pulled him back. "I have to know why, Jess!"

"Why?"

I looked away. "Please."

"Tell me why you did it." I knew what he meant. I knew my answer, but I didn't know how to say it.

**Hold on**

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**_But don't hold too tight_**

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**_Let go_**

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**_It's gonna be all right_**

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**_Don't run away from what your heart_**

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**_Is saying._**

"Jess…I…" _How do I say this?_

"Tell me, Rory. You kissed me. Tell me." He was good at hiding what he was thinking, really good, but I heard a flash of pain in his voice before he covered it.

"Jess!"

"Rory," he said. He wasn't going to give up.

"Did it mean anything to you?" I asked softly. I was scared. What if he said it hadn't? What if he said it had? I didn't know what I wanted. I used to be able to talk to him, before I kissed him. About books, about homework, about Luke. And now…what can I do? He's not my boyfriend; he can't break my heart, can he? I don't know, but I don't think he will. I have to say this, or nothing will _ever _happen.

**Be strong**

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**_Face what you're afraid of_**

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Come on 

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**_Show them what you're made of._**

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**_I know it's hard when your hope is gone_**

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**_But you've got to keep holding on._**

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"That depends on why you did it," Jess answered. I looked right into his brown eyes.

"Because I like you," I said. "Because I missed you. Because I don't know anyone else who's read Howl forty times. Jess…did it mean anything to you?"

He put his hands in his pockets. "I guess it did. Yeah." _Does he mean it? _I realized I was shaking. "Why do you think I kissed you back?" I didn't know why. I felt like I didn't know anything. I still had Dean. If Dean even knew I was talking to Jess like this…I knew how it felt. I didn't want Dean to cry because of me.

**Hold on**

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**You're gonna make it**

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**You're gonna be stronger**

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**Hold on**

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**Hang in there baby**

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**Just a little bit a-longer**

Jess stepped closer to me. "Did it mean anything to you, Rory?"

"Yeah. It did."

"Rory, I crashed your car. The car that _Dean_ made you. I broke your wrist. I made you miss your mom's graduation. I know it. You know it. So why?"

"Were you glad I came to New York?" I had to know.

"Yes," he said at last.

"Jess…the car, my wrist. The graduation. It wasn't your fault. It didn't hurt." The wrist hadn't really. Knowing that everyone hated Jess, that maybe he hated me and he was leaving, that had.

**Hold on**

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**Yeah, you're gonna be fine**

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**_Don't give up, be strong._**

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**_When the going gets tough you've got to hold on._**

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"Yeah right," he said. I couldn't help myself. I had to do it. It was either do this or forget it, forget even talking to Jess again. I leaned forward and kissed Jess. And then he put his arms around me and he was kissing me back again. It…it felt, just for that second, like I was flying.

**Hold on**

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**But don't hold too tight**

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**Let go**

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**It's gonna be all right**

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**Don't run away from what your heart**

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**_Is saying._**

I pulled away, and he said, "Of course. You kiss another guy, me, usually, but then you stop and you run back to your boyfriend. And Dean's waiting for you, because he knows it's the other guy's fault, right?" I was hurt for a second, but I looked up, and I saw tears in Jess' eyes. I knew there was no way he was going to cry there, now. Still.

"No," I said. "No, I'm…" This was it. "I'm not running back to Dean. I kissed you, Jess. I know it and I'm glad I did it." Anyone else who knew me, if they heard that, would say 'that's not Rory!' It was scary, to say it, but worth it. And now I didn't know what to do.

**Be strong**

****

**Face what you're afraid of**

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**Come on**

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**Show them what you're made of**

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**I know it's hard when your hope is gone**

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**_But you've got to keep holding on._**

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Jess just stared at me.

"Really?"

"Yeah," I said. This felt right. I was more than glad I'd done it. Jess reached out and pulled me close.

"I'm glad you did too," he admitted. "I like you, Rory. I guess you know that." I smiled.

"Uh huh. I do."

"Hey," he said, noticing the look on my face. "What's wrong?" I couldn't tell him; I didn't want to hurt him. "Oh," he realized. "You're still with Dean."

"He didn't do anything wrong, Jess."

"Nothing?"

"Well, he blamed you. For the crash."

"Everyone did."

"They shouldn't have." I met Jess' eyes, didn't look away, couldn't look away.

**Hold on**

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**But don't hold too tight**

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**Let go**

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**You're gonna be all right**

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**Don't run away from what your heart**

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**_Is saying._**

****

****

"What are you gonna do?" Jess asked me.

"I'm gonna figure something out. I have to. I wanna go slow…I know what it feels like. When someone breaks your heart."

"So do I," Jess said softly.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"Thanks for coming back," I said, leaning on Jess. He put his arm around me.

"Why do you think I did?" he said. He grinned at me. And I, very happy, despite everything, grinned back. Jess Mariano and Rory Gilmore. I liked that. I can do this.

**Be strong**

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**Face what you're afraid of**

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**Come on**

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**Show them what you're made of**

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**I know it's hard when your hope is gone**

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**I know it's hard when your hope is gone**

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**But you've got to keep…**

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**Yeah**

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**_Holding on._**

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**_Hold on._**

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**THE END (I think! Again, please review. Thanks! ~Arianna)**HoHo


	2. Listen as your day unfolds, challenge wh...

Chapter 2 – Challenge what the future holds

Jess' POV

Disclaimer: I don't own anything that has to do with Gilmore Girls, any book or author references, or this song (which should be in bold italics, depending on whether the bold and italics are working this time or not). The song belongs to Des'ree. I also used some of the lines from "I can't get started" in the flashback.

A/N: I actually heard this song on a commercial, and thought it would work for this. I know this isn't my best chapter, sorry, but I wanted to continue this and I couldn't think of anything else. Sorry that Jess is sort of out of character in this chapter too. It will get better, I think! I do know what's going to happen next chapter though! Dean's going to be in it, but don't worry, he and Rory aren't getting back together. If anyone has any ideas for songs that would work for this, please tell me! FYI, this is like Rory's POV was; present tense, but in some parts he's thinking about the past. The non-bold italics at the beginning are a flashback. Hope you like this, and please review! Thanks to everyone who reviewed; you're the reason I'm continuing this!  ~Arianna

Rory left after a while. I was having trouble believing this. Rory wanted me, not Dean. I'd been dreaming about this. Still…I couldn't figure out why. I know it's hypocritical—I hate Dean, yet I don't now why Rory wouldn't want him… I guess what I'm really thinking is why would she want me? I used to be a real screw-up. I guess I've gotten better since I came to Stars Hollow.

Listen as your day unfolds 

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**_Challenge what the future holds_**

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**_Try and keep your head up to the sky_**

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It really hurt a lot—I was standing there, and Rory saw me, and I'm never going to forget what happened next.

_"What are you doing here?" she said. _

_"Hello to you too," I answered. _

_"Is everything okay?" It was nice that she wanted to know._

_"You look nice," I said to her. She did; she looked great._

_"Thank you. What are you doing here?"_

_"I moved back," I stated._

_"What?" she said._

_"I moved back," I repeated._

_"But—what—why?" Rory exclaimed. _Because I missed you, _I thought. _Because, after you came to New York, I thought you missed me. _I couldn't say that. I was hoping she'd be glad I was back._

_"Just wanted to," I told her. And then she was kissing me and I kissed her back, moving closer. And she pulled away._

"Oh my God, oh my God," she said, leaving. Leaving me wanting to run after her, leaving me hurt. "Oh, welcome home!" I was glad she thought I was 'home.' But I felt like my heart was breaking.

It was good for a while, but awful…

Lovers, they may cause you tears 

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**_Go ahead, release your fears_**

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**_Stand up and be counted_**

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**_Don't be ashamed to cry. _**

I kept hoping, after she left, that I'd get a letter from her. But I didn't. And I'm not the kind of guy who just thinks they must have gotten lost in the mail or something. (A/N- this is NOT meant to be something bad about Dean; it's just emphasizing Jess' personality, etc.) So maybe she wasn't happy I'd come back. Now I think she maybe was upset because she was realizing that it wasn't the same with her and Dean anymore. 

After she came to see me in New York, I was constantly thinking about going back to Stars Hollow. I didn't want to get back to what I used to be like, when I lived in New York.

You got to be bad, you got to be bold, you got to be wiser 

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**_You got to be hard, you got to be tough, you got to be stronger_**

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**_You got to be cool, you got to be calm, you got to stay together_**

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**_All I know, all I know, love will save the day._**

I am really glad Rory came into the diner, really glad she talked to me. Really glad, even if we aren't exactly together now, we're gonna be. Rory kissed me, and she told me she wasn't sorry.

She's lucky. She grew up here, in Stars Hollow. Her mom is her best friend; she got to talk to her dad. I might be different than I used to be, but I'll never be like that. It's just not me. But I could have been _more_ like that. I guess I will try, sort of, for Rory.

Herald what your mother said 

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**_Read the books your father read _**

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Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time 

We're not really that different. She's the only person I know who likes to read as much as I do. I think we're more alike than she and Dean are. Maybe that's why she kissed me. Maybe that's why she wants me, now. She's realized it. Maybe. 

Everyone in this town hates me. And I know that has a lot to do with the crash. I know it was my fault, even if Rory refuses to say so. She's just like that; she wouldn't blame someone for something like that unless she hated them. It wasn't her fault at all. But I made sure she was okay. I would have done _anything_ not to hurt her. I wish it had been me. I think Luke sort of knows that. Lorelai doesn't. That could be a problem…

Some may have more cash than you 

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**_Others take a different view_**

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My oh my, yeah 

I have to think. What's more important—Rory, or the image I've put up around here? I know, from New York—I'm not actually as bad as I pretend I am. I don't want Rory to know what a screw-up I used to be. I don't want her to think I am a screw-up.

You got to be bad, you got to be bold, you got to be wiser 

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**_You got to be hard, you got to be tough, you got to be stronger_**

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**_You got to be cool, you got to be calm, you got to stay together_**

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**_All I know, all I know, love will save the day._**

After Rory running away, not writing… I was upset. I'd come back for her and she didn't want me. I wanted things to stop. I was tired of everything. Except reading. When she came in and asked if we could talk, I was really tired of it. Of her letting me hope, letting me think something was going to happen, and then breaking my heart. At least I listened. I've never liked anyone the way I like Rory, and if I did something wrong, I couldn't get over it. And when she kissed me and told me she wasn't going to run away, I forgot all of that. It was possibly the best moment of my life. Maybe I shouldn't have waited so long…to tell her, or show her, that I liked her. Really liked her.

Time asks no questions, it goes on without you 

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**_Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace_**

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**_The world keeps on spinning_**

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**_Can't stop it if you tried to_**

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**_The best part is danger staring you in the face._**

[next day]

I was cleaning the counter when I saw Rory out the window of the diner. I grinned and went outside quickly.

"Hey."

"Hey."

I was going to kiss her, but I remembered that she hadn't talked to Dean yet. She understood and said, "It's okay, Jess. I…talked to him."

"And you're okay?" She nodded, so I leaned over and kissed her. When I straightened, she was smiling. I could feel everyone in the diner watching us, and I decided that however hard this was going to be, it was going to happen. _Me and Rory…wow._

And then listen as your day unfolds 

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**_Challenge what the future holds_**

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Try and keep your head up to the sky 

Then I saw Dean walk by. Rory looked at him for a second, then turned back to me.

"What happened?" I asked quietly.

"Oh…it was all right…I just told him…"

"That you kissed me?"

She looked away. "That I thought we should break up."

"Uh huh."

"He was upset, yelled, I went home, I cried, I'm fine now," Rory said. I put my arms around her waist and held her, looking straight into her eyes.

Lovers, they may cause you tears 

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**_Go ahead, release your fears_**

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My oh my, yeah 

"Why didn't you tell him?" I said at last. "That you kissed me." _Were you scared? Did you think it was wrong? Do you not want to tell anybody, and why….? _

"I didn't want to hurt him," she replied.

"And telling him you should break up wouldn't hurt him?"

"Jess, don't do this!"

"I wanna know why."

"Jess…" She reached out and held my hands. "You know, we can talk. About books, and music and stuff. And if I call you Dodger, you understand. And…I can't really do that with Dean. Not the same way."

"Yeah." I kissed her again. Rory grinned, and so did I. "I guess I can't steal the bridge money anymore."

"It's probably not a good idea."

"Okay."

Rory kissed me quickly.

"Hey, want some coffee?" I asked.

"Yeah. Of course. Thanks, Jess."

You got to be bad, you got to be bold, you got to be wiser 

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**_You got to be hard, you got to be tough, you got to be stronger_**

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**_You got to be cool, you got to be calm, you got to stay together_**

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**_All I know, all I know, love will save the day._**

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**_Yeah, yeah yeah._**

I think the reason I said that, about Rory not telling Dean she'd kissed me, was that I was scared Rory wouldn't care about me anymore. I'd been through a lot, wondering… She came; she kissed me when I'd given up.

I had stolen the bridge money, taken lettuce from Doose's market, drawn the chalk outline (and accidentally gotten almost everyone in Stars Hollow mad at Luke), because I wanted Rory and I couldn't have her, because she had a boyfriend. And I didn't know what to do, so I went back to being the guy I'd been before I came to Connecticut. And now I don't have a reason to do that anymore. I never really did, I guess. Now…I have what I wanted. And I know Rory cares about me, Jess Mariano.

Got to be bold 

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**_Got to be bad_**

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**_Got to be wise_**

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**_Do what others say_**

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**_Got to be hard_**

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**_Not too hard_**

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**_All I know is love will save the day._**

I put my arm around Rory and we walked into the diner. She sat down, and I went behind the counter to get the coffee. Then I sat next to her, and we started talking. About books, as usual.

You got to be bad, you got to be bold, you got to be wiser 

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**_You got to be hard, you got to be tough, you got to be stronger_**

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**_You got to be cool, you got to be calm, you got to stay together…_**

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	3. Hold me when I'm here

Because You've Read Howl 40 Times

Chapter 3 – Hold me when I'm here

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with GG, or any books or movies. The song is "When I'm Gone," by Three Doors Down.

A/N: Wow! Another chapter! I can't believe it either. lol. I'm really sorry this has taken SO long!! I just had no idea what to write next. This is almost definitely the last chapter though. Thanks for the reviews! Especially to Ilovejess – Thank you for the incredible review! I've never gotten one that long, and I really appreciate everything you said! I'm glad you like this, and I completely agree with you about Jess. Thank you so much! BTW, this is another Jess POV. _If_ there's another chapter, it'll be Rory's. Hope you like this!  ~Arianna

Things were still great with me and Rory. I was happier than I'd been in a long time. People in town were starting to get used to it too, but I still occasionally caught dark looks from Lorelai. It was all more than worth it, but they made me think.

[flashback]

I couldn't believe what I'd done. I never meant to hurt her. I wished it had been me to break my wrist. And now I felt like crying, more than I would if it had been me who was hurt.

I was back in New York. And when my mom sent me to Stars Hollow, I hadn't wanted to leave. But that was before I met Rory. And when I got there I realized what kind of life I had. Rory wanted Harvard. She was gonna be a journalist. I didn't want anything like that. School? I read constantly. That was enough.

I didn't want anyone in Stars Hollow to know the way I used to act. Because news travels fast in that town, and Rory listens.

There's another world inside of me 

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**_That you may never see_**

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**_There's secrets in this life_**

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**_That I can't hide._**

And then Rory came to see me, just because I didn't say goodbye. It made me sort of glad I hadn't. And it made me realize that even though she was with Dean, I missed her. And I wanted to go back, before…anything could happen. I knew from experience that a lot of things could.

Somewhere in the darkness 

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**_There's a light that I can't find_**

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**_Maybe it's too far away…_**

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**_Maybe I'm just blind._**

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Maybe I'm just blind… 

[end flashback]

Rory's going to college, Ivy League college. Harvard or Yale. And Yale's close to Stars Hollow—22.8 miles away. But I know she's always dreamed of going to Harvard. If she wants to, that's really okay. I almost completely screwed up my life. Then I met Rory. I don't really know what I'm going to do yet. Ivy League's totally out of the question. Four-year college is…still a possibility. Now.

I'm glad Rory's going to college. It means…I want her to know, while she's here…how much I care about her. That I—that I love her. This is so selfish, but it is still me, after all—I don't want her to think about finding another guy in college. I'll wait. See her on weekends. Help her with her homework? You know. Whatever.

So hold me when I'm here 

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**_Right me when I'm wrong_**

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**_Hold me when I'm scared_**

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**_And love me when I'm gone._**

I don't know how to say this. It's not that I want her to say she loves me; not at all that I want to make her think she has to. But I want to tell her that I do. And aren't we a lot alike? Sort of…

I know I'm not gonna change in four years, not really. I remember Rory yelling at me, when I got the whole town down on Luke. And I was kind of sorry. I hadn't really known. I fixed the toaster, smiled at her, and she smiled back. I'm not that completely, incredibly different than I used to be Different, yeah, but not altogether different. Better, maybe. Everyone in Stars Hollow probably knows why. Even Lorelai does. And I think she's starting to hate me less. Maybe starting to see that I would do anything for Rory…

Everything I am 

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**_And everything you need_**

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**_I'll also be the one_**

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**_You wanted me to be._**

I still can't stand Stars Hollow High. It's almost intolerable now. Note the 'almost.' But okay—if I try enough to actually do the work, it's really easy. I figure it goes like this: I have to graduate to stay with Luke. I have to stay with Luke to stay in Stars Hollow. I have to stay in Stars Hollow to be with Rory. Not what I would choose, but that's the way it is. And I'm used to that. Easy enough to understand. The enjoyment of cutting school, easy as _that_ is, isn't worth what I'll lose. Taking twenty minutes out of my afternoon—it's worth it. Rory's worth it.

I'll never let you down 

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**_Even if I could_**

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**_I'd give up everything_**

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**_If only for your good._**

I don't miss New York. I am gonna miss Rory. When she leaves. If she leaves. I hope she doesn't. I mean, yeah, by the time she does, I might just be a normal citizen. Not Luke's normal, and definitely not Taylor's. Ever. But most other people's? Maybe. Possibly.

I'm glad I stole her book when I met her—I mean, I'm glad I borrowed it. I'm glad I went to the Bid-A-Basket festival. Some Stars Hollow traditions are okay. Sometimes.

So hold me when I'm here 

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Right me when I'm wrong 

I admit…Rory is…I'm not good enough for her. Not really. And no grade is gonna change that. Rory Gilmore deserves someone who has a good job and can tell her what they think Ivy League is like. I love to read, but that's not enough; not for this.

[next day]

I'm at the bridge with Rory, and we're sitting there, close together.

"I love it here," she says.

"So do I," I agree. Rory rests her head on my shoulder; then looks up.

"Remember the first time we came here?" she asks.

"Of course." I know we're both thinking about coming here with Rory's basket, arguing about Ayn Rand…

"Jess?"

I tighten my arm around her. "Yeah?"

"I got my college applications the other day," Rory says softly.

"Great," I answer, trying to hide what I'm feeling, even though I know I really can't. Not from Rory. "Do you know where you want to go yet?"

She shakes her head. "Not really. I mean, Yale's closer…"

"Yeah."

"Jess?" she repeats.

"What is it?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yes," I say, hesitantly.

Rory waits a minute. "What's wrong?"

I knew she knew. "It's nothing," I tell her. "Just…when you go to college…" I'm trying to say that I'm not good enough for her, but I can't do it.

"I'll be home every weekend," Rory promises. "All the time, wherever I go. Unless…" I know exactly what she's thinking.

"No," I tell her firmly. I can't say anything else.

Rory leans on me. "I love you, Jess." I know Rory pretty well…really well. But I didn't expect that.

"I love you, Rory." It's been true for a long time. I kiss her; she kisses me back.

You can hold me when I'm scared You won't always be there 

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**_So love me when I 'm gone._**

I know Rory means it, because Rory doesn't lie. I remember when I went over to her house with that care package, pretending it was from Luke. And when Dean came over, I asked her if she really wanted me to go. She didn't say yes. She said she wanted to avoid a fight with Dean. I knew, as Rory knew—there's a difference. I liked that.

So she really loves me. And of course I really love her.

I'm applying to four-year college.

I know Rory will come back every weekend. Lorelai will make her. Maybe Lorelai will tolerate me.

And of course I'll come back too. I have to be there, when Rory's there. I did get used to Stars Hollow, after a while.

I have to tell her what classes I'm taking.

**_Love me when I'm gone…_**


End file.
